


To Love a Monster

by themillenialfalcon (abunchofmellarky)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Implied Relationships, Lots of Crying, but ben might be okay, implied han x leia, implied reylo, kylo doesn't come out great in this, leia and rey are in need of emotional catharsis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 21:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13085418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abunchofmellarky/pseuds/themillenialfalcon
Summary: After the Battle of Crait, the passengers on the Millennium Falcon are all desperate for rest. Sleep comes easily for many - but two women on board are having a hard time putting their minds at ease.When Rey finds Leia struggling with the memories haunting the ship she once called home, the two women find common ground in their shared compassion for a certain monster and their united grief that he might be lost forever.





	To Love a Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything on here. I've been bitted by the bug once again after seeing The Last Jedi. I loved it. 
> 
> If you are wondering if I will finish my other fic - I haven't given up on it yet. I still consider myself a multi-shipper, but I couldn't get this out of my head. 
> 
> Please comment if you enjoy!

Sleep was evading her. Not that it was ever a very reliable companion to begin with. But, still, she needed it desperately. So much had happened in the space of just a few days – a lifetime’s worth of events – and this was the first opportunity she had to truly rest. 

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. She could see the irony in it. For so long, the emptiness of her life on Jakku had kept her awake at night. The monotony and loneliness she felt would stoke her anxiety to the point where the silence of the desert felt like an inescapable cacophony of sound. Now the silence didn’t plague her, but it was replaced by a barrage of thoughts – too many thoughts for her to process. 

She closed her eyes again, but instead of being met with a black void all she could see were images flashing before her relentlessly. Images of hyperspace. Of Starkiller, Of Ach-too. Of Luke, Han. They flew indiscriminately through her mind and finally landed on the one image she did not want to see. The image of  _his_ face, peering at her with so much raw emotion and longing that she thought she might break under the intensity of it.  

She opened her eyes with a gasp and bolted upright on her mat. Looking around, she was horrified that she might actually find him standing there just as she had so many times before on Ach-too. But she was met with only darkness. She took a deep breath and rubbed her eyes in an attempt to scrub the image of him out of her mind forever. She wanted to forget that she had ever been naïve enough to believe in his façade, but the demons of the night were making it difficult for her to move on.

“Rey?” a timid sound beckoned in the darkness. The soft feminine voice was tinged with sleep and worry. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” she said to her companion for the evening. Rose was her name. Finn had spoken highly of her. He’d told her that she could trust her –that Rose was kind and trustworthy and that Rey would like her. She had every reason to believe him. But right now she felt as if the small space they were sharing in the cargo hold was too crowded, and she needed some air. “I just…need some water. I’ll be back.” 

“Okay…”

She stood up and walked carefully out of the room, reaching out with the Force to make sure she didn’t accidently bump into one of their many passengers trying to sleep on the floor in various spaces throughout the ship. The Falcon was crammed with people, and with so few actual bunks they had to make use of all the space they could.

Rey, of course, didn’t actually have any interest in getting a glass of water. The thought of putting anything into her queasy stomach gave her unease. But she couldn’t stand to lie there any longer listening to the hum of the hyper drive while everyone else slept around her.

Tiptoeing through the hall, she started to make her way toward the cockpit. If she couldn’t get any sleep, she may at least be able to find some peace by watching the hypnotizing lights of hyperspace fly past the window. And, yet, just as she turned the corner to make her way into the seat that had once belonged to Han Solo, she felt a pull toward the other side of the ship.

After everything she’d been through in the last few days, she was almost afraid to follow a pull from the Force. She’d learned the hard way that she could never truly know what to expect on the other side of that pull. But as she centered herself, she couldn’t sense any malice. Just pain. Sadness. Following her senses, she moved toward the pull. With each step, she found herself moving closer and closer to the crew’s quarters.

General Organa. The pull was coming from General Organa.

It had been unanimously decided that the General would be allowed to sleep in privacy inside the crew’s quarters, not only due to her rank but also due to the intimacy those particular quarters held for her. They were, after all, on board the ship that she and her late husband had once called home. The thought of anyone else sleeping in those quarters while she was on board seemed like a violation.

Rey tried to keep her steps as light and quiet as she could. On top of not wanting to wake anyone up, she also did not want to disturb the General in what felt like a very personal moment. Rey simply wanted to make sure she was okay. She’d lost her husband and her brother in the span of just a few days. It was no wonder that she was emanating such despair through the Force. And that she, also, was finding it difficult to sleep.

When Rey reached the doorway she was surprised to find it open with a dim pool of light shining through to the hallway. Quietly, she settled herself in the doorway, peeking into the room with her body hidden ever so slightly by the wall.

Her eyebrows raised in confusion at the sight of Leia Organa bent over the foot of one of the bunks clad in a dressing gown. Her hair was hanging to the side in one long braid and kept falling into her face as she attempted to pry off a loose panel from the wall at the foot of the bunk. Rey’s brow furrowed in confusion. She was about to ask her what she was doing when Leia broke the panel free.

She dropped it onto the surface of the bunk and let out a small shuddering gasp. Rey watched as the older woman froze for a moment before lifting trembling hands into the space that had been revealed behind the panel. Slowly, she pulled out a small plush doll covered with brown fur. It was hard to see from this distance with so little light, but it looked to Rey like a miniature Wookiee that would have been the trusted familiar of a small child.

Leia was gazing down at the plush toy as if she almost couldn’t believe it existed, and that it was liable disappear at any moment. She held it gently in one hand while running the other hand down its face and arm. Suddenly, the sadness that Rey had once felt through the Force almost doubled in intensity. Overcome with the feeling that she was intruding on a moment that she had no business seeing, she started to turn around. But she was stopped by gravely yet even toned voice calling out to her in the darkness.

“This was Ben’s.”

Rey froze. She was nervous about being caught out spying on the General. Leia had been nothing but kind to her since their very first meeting, but they did not know each other well, and Rey knew she had no business being here at this moment.

“What?” Rey asked, timidly.

“Still hiding here in that loose panel there… after all these years.” She pointed to a panel at the foot of the bed.

Rey suddenly felt a little more at ease. She was still nervous, but clearly Leia was not angry that she was here. Leia didn’t turn around as she continued to speak, but something in her demeanor told Rey that she should move closer. She stepped into the room, still hovering near the doorway but close enough to let Leia know that she was listening.   

“Mala made this for him,” she said, squeezing the toy tightly in her hands.

“Mala?” Rey asked, gently. Leia turned at this, her features morphing from a look of mild surprise to understanding in just a few moments. Rey took her in, her make-up free features paired with the sadness in her eyes made her look frailer that Rey had ever thought possible. And, yet, there was something about her standing there that seemed as solid as a rock.  

“Chewie’s wife,” Leia explained, sitting down on the small bunk. She rested the tattered plush doll in her lap and began to stroke its matted fur. Clearly, the toy had suffered from being stuffed away inside the wall for so many years. It was dusty, tattered, and limp. Yet, Leia gazed down on it as if it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She soon snapped out of it, however, when she realized that Rey was still present.

“I guess you haven’t had a whole lot of time to get to know each other,” she continued.

“Not really,” Rey admitted. She had been so focused on getting through to Luke and then Ben… _Kylo_  – that she hadn’t been able to spend much personal time with Chewie. It was strange to think that he had a wife and a family somewhere else. But then again, most people did seem to have families…somewhere. Even the people you’d never expect. Even the people who didn’t deserve one.

“When Ben was about two years old, Chewie went back home to Kashyyyk for a while. I was busy in the Senate and Han wasn’t really able to go flying off on a ton of adventures with a toddler to take care of. So… Chewie decided to go home and spend some time with his family. But Ben… Well, Ben was always…volatile. Even as a child.”  

A flash of Ben –  _Kylo’s_ face once again entered Rey’s mind. She thought of the way he could morph so seamlessly from gazing into her eyes with such devotion and affection only to immediately morph into a twisted rage when she had to deny him what he wanted. Rey didn’t know how to respond to Leia’s claim without furthering the woman’s pain. But she knew what she meant, and it didn’t feel like she needed to say it out loud.

“He was inconsolable. He wouldn’t stop crying. He wouldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t eat. No matter what we did he’d just cry and scream for his Uncle Chewie. Chewie would holo every night to get him to calm down, but it didn’t do much. And then Mala sent this to him.”

Leia smiled sadly. She turned the toy over in her lap, examining every inch of it and running her fingers through its fur so gently that it seemed she was worried that the whole thing might fall apart of handled too roughly.

“He was like a new baby overnight. He took his stuffed Chewie everywhere. Wouldn’t sleep without it. For years it never left his side. And in those rare moments when he had to leave him behind, he’d put him right here in his little hiding place,” Leia fingers brushed over the loose panel to her left. “Safe on the Falcon. Because that’s where Chewie liked to be. On the Falcon, of course. 

Leia shook her head and closed her eyes. Rey could sense that she was willing tears not to fall. She got the impression that Ben Solo was not a topic of conversation that Leia was often willing to discuss. She wondered if many of the people closest to her even knew of her relation to the infamous Kylo Ren. Perhaps it was one of the galaxies best kept secrets. She and Finn certainly never would have known had Han not confronted Ben on that bridge.

“Why are you telling me this?” Rey asked. She was genuinely curious why out of all the people she could choose to confide in, Leia would choose her – a girl who clearly knew nothing about such complex things.

“I know you’ve talked to him. I can feel it. The conflict in you. The conflict about him.”

Rey didn’t know what to say. Her eyes drifted to the floor in shame. Could she truly confess to Leia how much she had spoken to Kylo Ren in the last few days? Could she confess to a woman whom she idolized that she had come to care about such a monster? That she’d been weak and naïve enough to allow a manipulative man to deceive her into thinking that she could save him? That she actually wanted to save him and that she still felt heartbroken that it was all a lie? Could she confess to General Leia Organa that she had so much compassion for her greatest enemy? And, furthermore, could she confess to the mother of Ben Solo how he’d made her feel in their most intimate moments? Could she tell her about the ache at the bottom of her stomach that he’d given her more than once with the intensity of his gaze, the softness of his voice, and the sheer masculinity of his unclothed chest?

“I thought you might be the only one who could understand,” Leia continued, oblivious to the inner turmoil brewing inside of Rey. 

“Understand?” Rey asked.

Leia pursed her lips. She looked at Rey with pleading in her eyes – a look that was so unlike a mighty general and so much like an ordinary woman with intense pain in her heart. Rey realized in that moment that she was being privy to a glimpse of Leia Organa’s humanity that not many people were allowed to see, not even Poe Dameron – her golden boy, her protégé. 

“How I can hate him….and  _love_ him so much at the same time.”

Rey’s heart felt as if it crashed all the way through her ribcage and down to her stomach. In that moment something snapped within her. An entire lifetime’s worth of loneliness, longing, hope, and desperation came bursting through her to the surface and she let out a profound sob. She leaned forward, burying her head in her hands as she heaved next to Leia on the bunk. Leia looked momentarily shocked at the emotional outburst. But, almost instantly, she was comforting Rey as she wracked with sobs. She threw her arms around her and held her close while running a hand over her back. Rey was overcome with guilt at needing to be comforted by a woman who had just lost so much. 

“I’m sorry,” Rey squeaked through her tears. “I didn’t mean – I’m so sorry.”

“Shh…” Leia said as she rocked the young girl back and forth. “You have nothing to be sorry about, Rey.”

“I shouldn’t be crying. It’s not fair. You’ve lost everything…and I - ” 

She was just a silly little girl who tried to love a man who didn’t really exist. At least that is what she thought to herself. She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud.

“I’ve lost enough in my life to know that belittling the grief of others is a cruelty in itself – no matter how it compares to your own.”

“But…Han…and Luke…” Rey said, her eyes watering anew at the thought of the two men she had wanted so desperately to fill a role in her life that she had longed for. Leia merely nodded. 

“Han and Luke were my family. I loved them dearly,” she said. “But I’ve also gotten used to a life without them these last few years. It doesn’t make me miss them less, but it helps…with coping.”

“I feel so foolish…” Rey finally admitted. Leia’s hand continued to rub circles into her back and she found herself inching closer and closer to Leia, subconsciously desperate for a mother’s affection. As she moved closer, Leia started to run her fingers through the loose hair at Rey’s neck. 

“Why do you feel foolish?” Leia asked. Rey sniffed and wiped at her face. She sat straight and looked Leia in the eyes, her lips quivering. The older woman was looking at her with such compassion and affection. That alone was making her want to weep. 

“I thought I could save him.”

A moment of silence passed between them as Leia sat momentarily at a loss for words.

“You were right,” Rey continued. “I have talked to him. I… we… I don’t know how to describe it. But we had this connection… through the Force. We would appear to each other out of nowhere. Like…our minds were connected to each other. At first I… I told him to leave. I wanted nothing to do with him. I called him a murderous snake. But then it kept happening. And he… I don’t know. He changed.”

Rey cringed at the memory of his face illuminated by the fire in her hut. The concern in his eyes when he saw her cold, wet, and shivering after coming out of her vision in the cave haunted her like a bad dream. He had looked at her then much in the same way Leia was looking at her now, so similarly that Rey could actually see the shared features in their faces for the first time.

“After a while he didn’t feel like Kylo Ren. He just felt like…”

“Like?” Leia pushed, gently.

“Like someone who could actually understand me. Someone who understands how lonely it is to have this…  _thing_  inside me that I _don’t_ understand. That no one else understands. I wanted to believe that it was Ben who made me feel that way and not  _him_... But it wasn’t. I was so stupid.”

Rey sucked in a large gasp of air. Her chest convulsed and her stomach shook. Leia’s hand did not give up its gentle motion on her back. The older woman only moved closer to the young girl, and Rey could sense that Leia was reaching out to her in the Force, trying to calm her relentless emotions.

“There’s nothing stupid about hope, Rey,” she said, sharply. “Don’t ever talk about yourself in that way. Compassion is not stupid. Compassion is the only reason to live. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have the same hope – that my little boy is still in there somewhere. I held on to that hope for years. You aren’t stupid.”

“I saw this… vision,” Rey said, desperate to explain herself despite Leia’s encouragement. “That he would turn.”

“Turn?” Leia asked, the emotion in her tone betraying her stoic expression. Rey once again felt a twinge of guilt. Just hours ago Leia had voiced that she’s made peace with the fact that her son was truly gone. Now, Rey was about to give her another glimmer of hope only to break the woman’s heart all over again. 

“Back to the light. I had a vision that turn back in the throne room,” Rey clarified. “Before I left Ach-too… we touched hands, somehow, during one of our connections. And… when he touched me I had these visions of the future. Or well… what I thought was the future. But, I was wrong.”

“What did you see?”

“I had a vision that he would kill Snoke to save my life in the throne room. And he did.”

“He…” Leia’s voice caught in her throat. “He killed Snoke?” she asked. She looked to be in utter disbelief, almost as if she was allowing herself the same brilliant white hope that Rey had experienced the moment he summoned Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber into her hand.

“Yes…” Rey answered.

“What else did you see?” Leia asked, her hand squeezing Rey’s tightly. There was a new intensity in her eyes that made Rey uncomfortable.

“I don’t think it’s true. Nothing after that was true…” she qualified.

“Please,” Leia implored. “I need you to tell me what you saw.”

“I…” Rey began. She swallowed as she tried to recall the images she’d seen. They’d all flown through her mind so quickly in that fleeting moment that even immediately afterward she wasn’t sure she could completely recall exactly what she’d seen. But there were moments – moments that she feared would be burned into her head forever. 

“I saw him kill Snoke and…then he ordered the First Order to stop firing on the transports. 

“Go on..."

“I saw him standing on the Falcon…by the dejarik table. He was wearing a black leather jacket. He was laughing about something. And he had a beard.”

Leia let out a small uncomfortable laugh. “He tried to grow a beard once when he was eighteen years old. Han made fun of it but… I think it was because he was jealous. Han could never grow a full beard. It was always so patchy…”

“I saw him flying an X-Wing with R2D2.”

“An X-Wing,” Leia beamed. “He was always such a good pilot. Just like his father…”

“And I saw him… holding a blue lightsaber.”

“Anakin’s lightsaber,” Leia said, nodding with understanding.

“No,” Rey said. “It was different. A new one.”

“Oh,” Leia said. The joy that had been in her eyes just a brief moment ago at the thought of Ben Solo standing on this very ship as a happy grown man with a full beard had faded. She was probably remembering, like Rey, that none of these visions would come to pass. But the last one, Rey knew, was the most painful of all. It was the one that haunted her the most, the one that she longed for so desperately that she had been willing to throw all caution to the wind in the event that it might become real.

“And I…” Rey hesitated. Not only she slightly nervous about the implications she would be hinting to his mother… but she also wasn’t sure if she was prepared for the emotional weight of saying it out loud to herself. “I saw him… playing with a little girl.”

“A student?” Leia asked. Rey didn’t quite know how to answer the question. “A future Jedi?”

“Yes…I think.” Rey answered with a nod. Tears once again began to flood her eyes. “But… I think she was more than that.”

“More?” Leia asked. Rey looked up at her then, hoping that she could convey with her eyes everything that she couldn’t bring herself to say. “Oh…”

She understood. The two women sat for a moment, both crying over a vision of a little girl who would never be – a little girl with her grandmother’s big brown eyes, her mother’s chestnut hair, and her father’s strong Skywalker blood.   

“She was so beautiful. And tiny,” Rey continued through her tears. “Her hair was tied up in three buns. Like I do with mine. She was laughing. And he was spinning her up in the air and she kept telling him not to stop…”

“Did she have a name?” Leia asked.

“I don’t know…” Rey answered. The vision hadn’t lasted long enough for her to hear a name. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not true. None of it was true. He was never going to turn.”

“But he killed Snoke…” Leia said. “ _Some_ of it was true.”

Rey shook her head. “He only killed Snoke for the power. He used me for his own ends. He manipulated me. He told me he knew who my family was and… he called me _nothing."_  

“Oh, Rey…”

“He was right. I am nothing. My parents never cared about me. I was just a burden to them. A mouth to feed. I’ve only ever been a burden.”

“That’s not true.”

“I think he…. I think he meant it as a kindness…” Rey said through her tears. Leia said nothing. She simply started at the younger girl, the silent wisdom in her eyes speaking volumes. “I needed to hear it. I needed….” Rey sniffed and wiped her eyes in embarrassment. “I needed to face the truth…”

Leia lurched forward, cutting her off with a small wave of her hand and shake of her head before grabbing Rey’s hand in her own. “Listen to me, Rey,”

Rey looked up at her, her eyes brimming with the tears she was trying so desperately not to let fall. It was becoming harder, however. Especially with Leia’s kind and gentle eyes peering at her in such a maternal way – the way that she always longed for.

“You should have punched him in the mouth.”

For one moment Rey was able to laugh through her tears. She could see now how this woman could handle being married to Han Solo for so long. 

“You are  _not_ nothing,” the older woman implored. “You are a wonderful, strong, resilient, and beautiful young woman. Inside and out. You have brought hope and light to an entire galaxy. You are destined for great things – and not just because of this power that you have. Because of who you are. You. Because of the inherent lightness in your heart.” Rey shook her head.

“No. He’s right. I’m just a nobody from Jakku. The daughter of drunken junk traders. They sold me for some portions and enough whiskey to get them through the night.” 

“And I’m the daughter of a genocidal maniac. A man reputed to be one of the evilest creatures to ever roam this galaxy,” Leia stated. Rey sniffed again and wiped her running nose on her sleeve. She felt slightly embarrassed by the uncouth move in front of an actual princess, but Leia didn’t seem to mind. She reached up and wiped the tears from Rey’s eyes with her thumb.

“We aren’t defined by where we come from or what runs through our veins. Our choices make us who we are. Some of the galaxies greatest heroes came from nowhere and nothing as you call it. And…well…some of its biggest villains came from great privilege…”

Leia’s eyes drifted to the stuffed Wookie she had reverently set next to her on the cot. Rey could tell she wanted to touch the plush toy once again. She relaxed her hand, letting Leia loosen her hold on it and move to pick the little animal up. Rey could see the tears now starting to glisten in the older woman’s eyes – but they did not fall.

“You love him no matter what he does,” Rey observed. Leia nodded.

“I can’t help it,” she admitted. “I can’t excuse the evil he’s done. And I want to fly across the galaxy and destroy him for making you feel this way. But…he’s my son. My baby. If you decide to have children someday… You might understand.” 

The statement hung heavily in the room in light of the confession that Rey had made just a moment ago – that she had seen an alternate future where she’d given birth to the daughter of Ben Solo, a future where she’d given Leia a grandchild. Both women sat there – certain that this future would likely never come to pass.

Rey mourned. She’d been given a glimpse of everything she’d ever wanted. A companion. An equal. A family – a real complete family with a husband and a baby and a mother. With one touch of Ben Solo’s hand she’d briefly held everything she wanted in the palm of her hand. And with one swift action, he’d taken it all away from her.

“Am I a bad person? For still wanting that future to be true?” Rey asked, pleading. Leia smiled through their shared tears and shook her head.

“If you are, then I guess I’m just as bad as you.”

Rey let out one last audible cry. Leia reached over to the galley and pulled a facial tissue from the counter. She held it out to Rey and she accepted it, dabbing at her eyes and wiping her running nose. Once she had composed herself, Rey stood. Leia followed. 

“I should try to get some sleep,” Rey said. Leia nodded.

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“Thank you, for… everything.”

Leia smiled warmly and nodded. Rey took a deep breath and stood to walk out of the quarters and back to her mat in the cargo hold. But as she reached the doorway once again, Leia stopped her.

“Rey,” she called. Rey turned around and watched as Leia bent down to the bunk once again. She picked up the plush Wookiee toy and held it out to her. Rey’s eyes fell on the outreached toy with mild confusion.

“I once heard from a very lonely little boy that this makes a pretty good friend.”

Rey reached out, taking the plush into her hand and looking on it with the same reverence that Leia had been just moments before. She’d never gotten a gift before – not unless you counted the blaster that Han had given her. But that was more a practicality than a sentimental offering. She didn’t know what to say.

“I…”

Leia held up a hand to stop her. “It will hopefully help you get some sleep.”

“Thank you,” Rey said.

“You’re welcome." 

This time, as Rey turned to walk out the door she was not stopped. Feeling more free than she had in days, she found her way back to the mat on the floor of the cargo hold. Rose was fast asleep when she walked back in, and she was mindful not to wake her up as she settled herself down on the ground. She closed her eyes and found that the silence was not as deafening as it had been minutes ago. She squeezed her new companion tightly in her grip and reached out to the Force in hopes of finding some semblance of peace. 

Sleep would still not come easy, but for the first time that night, she felt like it might be a possibility.

 


End file.
